Fliss' Cache

Yesterday, it’s the first time that I’m feeling blank while travelling on the bus. It’s such a weird feeling because my mind seems to be dead and non functioning. Then I feel really lost and unsure. And then I begin to think about my future and what I wanna achieve. At this point, BLANK! Nothing proud about that. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about my choice of major and what it will lead me to.

Have you ever asked yourself why you wanna study? Or why are you studying? Thing is, we don’t because we only know we need and ought to for our future and all that politically right answer.

Been questioning and doubting all that. But I can’t deny that I do enjoy schooling and all, at least it gives me some time to think through what I want and exploring new areas.

Apart from that, I feel like I ought to find a boyfriend. Silly it may sound since studies should come first. I agree but just can’t help feeling it. It’ll be nice to have someoe to send and fetch to school and study with. I mean it’s difference when you are with your girlfriends.

Oh well. I guess letting the mind goes blank is not too bad a decision even though randomly datelines keep popping up. Till then. Loved and take care.

School started like 2 weeks ago and I’m still finalizing my timetable thanks to the system. OH WELL. Not gonna even want to talk about it.

Over the weekend, attend Yenyee’s 21st birthday party! Helped out the entire day and it’s mad tired, plus the fact that many things just didn’t go our way when we arrived. Anyway, don’t expect photos because there was so many relatives that no one was even free to snap a photo! I had my fill of red and white wine and head spinning. The rest of the night was spent with her sisters and cousin talking away.

Point is, during the day while we were chatting and trying to get things done, her asked me a question, “What do you wanna be?” BAMP! I don’t know how to answer, at that I can’t help but feel lost in respective to what I’m studying.

I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot more lately, I don’t want to waste my life anymore, it’s short because I’m turning 21 plus the last time I remembered enjoying birthday celebration and wanting to grow up seems like yesterday. So, I’ve been looking at people around me and I see people having a career though may not be ideal, some are doing great in academics while some are dating or a combination. Then I look at myself, I’ neither here nor there, or at least I think I am. Comparisons are the worse of self-judgment cause you really feel worthless after that.

Oh, my cute grandma went to temple and try to ask about my love line, HAHA! And gotten no results. So now, it’s all about school and more school I guess. And seriously, I’m moving on and feel release! FREEDOM from emotional wreck.

Okay, that’s about it, kinda boring. I’ll try to think of interesting stuff to post soon.

Loved and take care.

School is starting next week! To be honest, mixed feelings about it.All that’s going through my mind in relation to school is all about grades and CAP! Sometimes I really loathe myself for being a CAP-chaser - those who just think about scoring good CAP. That’s me. But I don’t like being one either cause I might end being label as “Geek”, “nerd” etc. However, it’s not uncommon in Uni than in Poly. Uni is definitely more competitive, feel like I’m back in Secondary school and trying to score and prove something!

Anyway, I need to focus and set things right afterall I’ve got no other commitments like having a part time job, which I know many Uni students does. Loserish? I don’t know, whenever I compared even though there’s no point, I often, more than not, feel like I’m crumbling and that I sucks! What’s wrong with me?

Ignore those rantings, I know I’ll be in good gear when school start, gonna do whatever it takes to score a good CAP if it makes staying till late to study and figure out a chapter. I gonna do it and make sure I’ll see it through. Like in my earlier post, this year I’m turning 21 which makes I must be ready for everything, need to take up the responsibility. Okay, I know I’ve been procrastinating about getting a job, but I gonna try it anyway during the hols if there’s no commitment.

Loved and take care.

Last night, I was writing in my diary that I still keep and many thoughts just flow through my mind. I can’t help but just randomly filled up the spaces between the lines.

Then I realized that as I look on year 2009, I don’t seem to remember much of it and seem like I’ve wasted the year. And I came to realize that I’ve embrace the new year without setting resolution which I used to. Is it that I no longer know what to expect of myself? Honestly, I don’t even know the answer.

Okay, this is definitely not an emo entry. I just want to rant my thoughts about how I truly feel about things and perhaps myself. I just want to do myself proud and doing things right, I don’t want to feel like I’ve let myself down because I did. I did so badly for my exams that I was utterly disappointed in myself. (new year resolution 1: to mug hard and do revision conscientiously and score for the exams)

But whatever it is, I think I’m ready even if I’m not mentally or physically prepared. I ought to wise up since 2010 is the year I’m turning 21. I want to have a plan that will propel me further, I don’t want to fade in the background anymore. I should just forget about judgement, which often more than not affects me and I give up which I totally disliked that.

Gonna focus more on my studies and less of those romance stuffs, though I will end complaining or whining that I want a boyfriend. Whatever will come, will come and whatever not, by forcing it will not.

I’m ready and gonna face it! Wish me the best okay. Loved and take care.