Fliss' Cache

I know the previous few posts are nothing like updates about what I’ve been doing. So here’s a summary of what’s life during the holidays. And I can’t believe I’m going to say this, I want to go back to school even though studying and trying to ace it can be a tough job. But quote my friend, “STUDY WITH PASSION”, I’m going to try to do that after this is my last shot at completing my studies.

Anyway, so practically this entire holidays, most of the days were spent in town meeting the pregnant for lunch and shopping, which I bought quite a few stuffs, and working on the Freshman project publicity work. Not forgetting the fact that I went on a short holiday to Hong Kong and Macau and coming to the end was bidding for modules, which is a total pain in the ass, and then playing Tetris Battle on Facebook. MAJOR NO LIFE OKAY! Haha. Oh, in between managed to head to library and read Freakonomics, A Secret Word and Perfume: The story of a murderer (which I’m still trying to finish).

I’m heading for a stayover in school in prep for Monday’s Freshman Inauguration Ceremony and then school is starting on the 10th! Might be going one-day Batam trip with darlings to end the holidays. OH OH OH, I WON TICKETS TO SINGFEST, what an awesome way to almost conclude my holiday! Best thing about it is the SILENT DISCO!!! Gonna rock the day with darling Shaoling. YAY!

Oh, one more thing, make it two, I actually did went for NDP rehearsal too, with darling Weiyoung and to thank him, we went to YOG rehearsal too which Daddy gave me. =) Awesome.

As for Birthday, gonna be hush hush. Simple dinner with my family and darlings and two lovelies from poly, then perhaps Wavehouse/clubbing with cousins. As much as I envious those having grand celebration and having tons of friends coming together to celebrate, I think a simple fare with your close ones beats having everyone coming down and not be able to spend time talking to them. RIGHT? Can’t wait.

Thinking back right, it ain’t that bad a holiday!!!
So that is all that is happening for the holidays. I’m looking forward to next but before that, I need to mug hard and ace it again in hopes of being able to do my honours! Otherwise, I might consider taking part time studies when graduated.

LOVED AND TAKE CARE.

I don’t know why the entries are getting so reflectional. But I’m feeling very critical of myself each day - my abilities, my knowledge, my social network, my thoughts, my expressions, my looks/appearance, my thinking and my everything - that is questionable.

Here, I rant my thoughts and emotions but at the same time, I feel I’m being sucked into this whole cyber world where thoughts and emotions are scrutinized, and I’m so fucking affected by it.

Anyway, I’m trying to work on giving myself that tad more confidence. To some, I may come across as fiery and confident. Truth to be told, I’m not. I’m not owning that piece of confidence that people have seen. Everyone has their weak spot, things or issues that they can never escape from no matter how much they want to. The sheer mention of it just wreck the person into pieces.

I’m so sick of myself always questioning myself, like I’m a psychiatric patient that’s going through treatment so as to get release from the ward. I have never questioned myself so much before, if you know what I mean. And I always try to find excuses to hide from it all. I hate myself for being so cowardly.

Right now, I’m not perfect in my eyes, when I’m ready to be perfect, I’ll be.

Loved and take care.

I’ve just finished the book. I don’t know what to expect each time when I read because you get all these at-the-moment thoughts. And most of the times, the book expresses what you are feeling or desire, to a certain extent.

The book I read is entitled ‘A Secret Word’ by Jennifer Paddock. It’s about friendships, family and relationship; and how each individual can look so perfect on the outside but having so much going on within. Plus how friends that drifted apart still interconnects so much, and occasionally the thought of them warms the hearts.

I don’t know if knowing the death of someone has changed me, or I’m just giving myself a reason to seek a change in me. I think it always take something to give you a reality check before you know what you really want in your life. I won’t say that I know exactly what I want in but at the very least I know what I’m working towards. It sounds ambiguous because it is, I have yet to figure it out right. But for sure, I don’t want to waste my life away anymore.

For some time, I felt I was on auto pilot mode, from secondary school to Poly to varsity. Not that these choices are not force rather it’s being prescribed, just like taking medicine. I feel a need to feel myself and do things that truly make me happy from the bottom of my heart, and I know it’s not difficult because simple things can make you smile the easiest.

As much as I’m saying all these, I still have no concrete plans as to what to do. I know I need to graduate and clear my studies debts, get a job and stick to it for at least 5 years and perhaps set a cafe and then freelance or part-time, and not forgetting to travel. If there’s fate, get married and have a couple of kids. And when they are old enough, I might choose to migrate to somewhere. I know all this sounds too far-fetch but no harm thinking and working towards it.

Life’s too short to be doing what I’ve been doing for the past 21 years, being prim and proper, being too discipline and perhaps being too homey. Not that it’s not good - because I stand for all that - but perhaps when I’m still young, your still young, ought to try and do things you want at least and living without regrets. I’m so sick of thinking about the amount of regrets, life shouldn’t be about all these.

Loved and take care.

When you are younger, you always wish to grow faster because you think the world of adult is much more interesting. I don’t deny the many more things you can do when you grow up. But don’t you at once, stop and think that you are growing up so fast?

I’m not sure about people out there, but for me, when I was in primary school, I’ll think about what secondary school life is like, and then followed by Poly and Uni life. Isn’t it amazing that, I’m already in Uni! Time indeed flies by.

I’m really missing those chapters! My primary school is no longer there, but every bits of it I can still remember. Six years, filled with innocence, happiness and unhappiness. Primary school days are like the most exciting years because we are all so foolish and childish, all we know is to have fun at any expense! Truly miss those days, and I really miss the feeling of knowing everyone in school which unlike Uni, it seems a tad cold. Everyone you walked past just seem like a stranger. And I kinda miss those kiddish crush thing, thinking back just bring a smile to my face.

Then came secondary school where I wasn’t truly please to be there but I’ve met the greatest bunch of people there too. Well, most of them came from my primary school and so it’s a mixture of strangeness and familiarity. Met some great teachers (and not so great teachers). It’s a period where everyone is coming out of age! Thinking back, I realize I did have many crushes then and sadly now, I have zero. OMG, is this a sign that I’m aging faster I ought to be? Anyway, secondary school was a shorter phase than primary but it taught me a lot more and definitely a lot more laughter. Grateful for all of that.

After graduating, went straight to Poly to do business which is like my core of interest and I was surprised that the not-so-smart and ranking-below-twenty me managed to do graduate with merit in Poly. I meet the smartest, most expressive, more mature, more innocence people, most irritating and irresponsible people etc. And though the group projects forces us to be at each others’ throats, we ended (majority) as good peers. Poly give me a better perspective of what I want and prove that I did not make a wrong choice. Plus, it gives me the opportunity to explore things that I would never would thought I would. The plus point about receiving poly education is that I’ve got a diploma and a bunch of high-flyer-to-be friends.

Recalling every phase never fails to put a smile on my face. I can’t express how much more I misses everyone in every phase, regardless the type of treatment I give or whatever, because everyone at that point of time contribute to all these memories. I hope 10 years down the road, we can have a party - from my primary school, secondary school, Poly and Uni; to find out how well we are all doing. I’m looking forward to one such event. Just the thought of it gives me a fuzzy warm feeling, and honestly, I can’t believe I’m saying that.

Years of memories can never be summarize into few words, and all the memories is not something you can share unless you have experience it. I really miss those days, wish there’s some technology that can extract all those hidden memories and replay it. Moreover memories are so magical, they are exclusive, only you can have access to it and relieve all the emotions, recall all the moments. Every beautiful moment is flooding my mind now. I think I’m going to have a good night sleep.

And perhaps, it’s time to start capturing it daily.

MUCH LOVES, Take care.

Sometimes people just speak what they think or how they feel. Come to think of it, every relationship or friendship that we worked to maintain can be so easily scarred over a stupid issue, and within the minute, things changed.

It’s so fucking fragile, no matter how long you know each other or be in love, it’s so weak, no wonder people always say “diamonds are the girls best friends”.

For me, you don’t need the whole world to be your friends but you need some close good friends that will stand by you no matter what. They ought to be more understanding, not that I’m like that, I’m still learning to be a good friend/daughter etc. It’s a learning process.

Humans are not perfect so it’s okay to make mistakes, most importantly to know what your mistakes are. But as human we can be so stubborn to even see our mistakes and believe in our own assumption or perspective.

To be honest, I find it so hard to find back the connection that we all might have because we have changed and caught up in our lives, and where our lives revolves around different things. Unlike when we were younger, where we attend the same school and learn the same things, we kinda revolved around the same things.

I’m feeling really numb at the moment. And it really make me question (AGAIN!!!). Sometimes it gets so tiring to try and please everyone because you want to like you. But face it that’s not going to happen no matter how hard you try especially if the person condemned you in the very first place.

I don’t know if this entry makes sense but it’s some thoughts that are in pieces.

Loved and take care.

Every now and then, I will question myself and then I’ll start to think, perhaps to the extent of over-thinking.

I reflected on my holidays, apart from the Hong Kong/Macau trip and working on the Freshman project, I’ve seem to achieve nothing - nothing that I’m proud of. I can’t help but feed the demon growing in me, the comparison demon.

More often than not, I’ll feed the demon and my self-confidence, self-assurance will diminish to almost nothing. Honestly, I really hate the feeling. No one likes to feel worthless or useless, but I really can’t help feeling that way when I start to compare with people around me.

I may seem to have many things that other might not have, and I’m grateful for that, truly am but the inner me, is so inadequate of everything - the things that you see when you meet a person; the confidence, the sense of humour etc. I don’t want to be ignorant who I feel I am right now. I even feel stupid when I’m around people.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder ‘what’s next?’. And I’m truly ashamed of myself for not picking up part time job during the holidays, but I really want to enjoy and relax the holiday because eventually, there’s no such thing as HOLIDAYS once you ended your school life. I’m determined to work fucking hard once I graduate.

Then again, I’ve got no plans when I’m always talking about planning. I’ve never do the talk, I only walk the walk. =( Time out for now, update again.

Loved and take care.

It’s the 2nd day of July 2010. We are officially in the 2nd half of the year. Fast isn’t it? I actually survive two semesters in Uni. That’s such an accomplishment.

Anyway, I spend the first day of the second of the year with Mum and darlings. Went to visit grandpa with Mum before heading out to meet darlings for lunch and chill out. And for the first time of my life, I went to get a pedicure because I really got ugly and dirty hideous feet, but now, it’s so nicely done and woohoo.

Anyway, dinner at Fish & Co. at the Glass House kinda suck balls to the max because the service was kinda screwed up (and partly because preggie = yenyee and me were late due to mani and pedi session and the two darlings were famished and really angry that we both were so late).

But it got better when we went over to Timbre and get our drinks. We started off slowly and we got so fucking high that we kept laughing like bunch of loonys. And we keep trying to get everyone except me to dish out their own dirty little secrets, if you may say it. Am loving such sessions, hopefully will have more since preggie is gonna pop in 3mths time.

Loved and take care.