Fliss' Cache

Results released today! Well, I didn’t do that well as I thought it will be. Damn it (again!). Efforts don’t seem to reflect in my results, am I too complacent or what?

I guess I shan’t put too much brain cells to study, don’t seem to pay off and that’s what irks me. I wanna do well, okay who doesn’t but I don’t want a falling CAP. It’s bad not doing honours, now the CAP keeps falling like a bottomless pit. OMG!!!

I don’t even know how to comprehend the results. I don’t feel anything, is parallel to a numbing feeling from anaesthetic. Oh well, I guess I just have to looking forward. No point dwelling on it right? I’m just gonna focus on the last semester and do my best, graduate and get a job to pay my debts before speaking of a career. Not forgetting to travel for maybe a month? Let’s see what’s install for me!

Life is always, if not often, filled with contradiction.

I’m on to nothing spectacular on contradiction but just feel that at times when I’ve got nothing much on hands, I’m dying to get out of the house. But when I’ve got too much going on for the week, I’ll try to stay home as much as possible. Is that a contradiction? Thing is, I love going home for dinner and given that these days my brother is serving the nation, there’s only grandma, dad and me for dinner so I wanna be there as much as possible, otherwise there’s really no point for grandma to cook since she’s arms aren’t as strong as before.

My point is that, next week gonna be so packed with school stuffs that I just wanna take it one at a time. What’s worse, next weekend gonna be so burn because of pre-camp!

I guess the brain is great when it starts to function properly without the emotion factor. I’m feeling that the hurt I’m getting is from myself - my crazy stupid horrendous interpretation of the happening. Nothing was even concrete between us, not even emotionally, is always one-sided. Hence, I realize the pain/hurt could be ease quickly when I set myself right. What’s left to be done is to be fine seeing you and being at ease with you.

I’m so glad I’ve sieve through all these and find the necessary strength to push. Just a bit more time, I’ll be fine.

Sometimes when I chance upon a meaningful entry, it spark me to write something in response to it, and that’s what I’m going to do.

I think it’s really time that I start to learn to be happy for myself, with myself. I can’t be more ready to embark on this journey now than ever though I’m hurting inside.

I was reading one of my girlfriend’s entry about the social media and engulfing her social life. I can’t agree more. Social settings are no longer physical but virtual. I need to learn to communicate face-to-face and showing more concern to my friends. I need to start working on myself first. I shall slowly move away from social medium, but I won’t fully abandon them because it’s a channel for me to share my thoughts when I feel like not telling.

Dear friends, please give me some time to break my own shell and come out as a better person. And in the mean time, thanks for being patience with me. Love you darlings much.

I had a great deal of fun for the past 3 days. But I can’t help but feel a little hurt on this very last day after a hearty jog/walk.

Honestly, I rather have stirrings than having feelings (new term I learnt from watching Pirates 4) for you because unknowingly you hurt me. And for the first time, sitting next to you I just couldn’t bring my eyes to look at you. And I’ve observed, whenever I’m standing next to you and someone else is standing next to me, you always bypass me and talk to he/she. Am I so fucking insignificant or “not interesting to talk to”? It’s like a broken radio, replaying in my mind. You know I was this close to have really gone home and not bothered to stay for the mission. I didn’t know I would be this affected. Thank you for letting me know how the heart could ache. Recalling back to days ago, I felt myself smiling from within but now, I’m aching from within. And I can strongly assured myself that my hunch is at least 70% accurate and it’s really killing me. I want to cry but I can’t seem to.

Right now, I’m too exhausted. Thanks for letting me know in the most indirect and excruciating manner that I’m not needed.

Never the type who can fit into size S,
Never the type who feels visible in the crowd,
Never the type who aces the examination,
Never the type which guys will take a second look at,
Never the type…

Is always fitting in L, or even XL
Is always listening and quietly acknowledging everyone’s presence
Is always trying hard to do well in examination
Is always waiting for that someone, and end up being unrequitted
Is always…

So what type are you?

If I could, I rather have an amnesia and start everything afresh.